Take your own advice

Take your own advice

One of the best parts of being a sex educator and a blogger is being surrounded by not only tons of smart and sexy people, but people that can you great advice on a myriad of topics. I personally teach workshops on not just sex and sex toy tips, but also about body confidence in the bedroom and I’m just loud and proud as a fat person who has been plus size their entire adult life. This is not to say that I don’t have my own insecurities, and moments of weakness.

Treat yourself like you would treat your best friend. Would you let someone insult your best friend? Deny them the food they would enjoy? Absolutely not!! So why would you do that to yourself?

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Do we think we’re not worth the advice? Or do we simply think we don’t need it? We are, and we do. Sure, we’re adults who can make our own decisions, but sometimes we need a fresh perspective on things, the same kind of fresh perspective we’re trying to give our friends when we hand out advice. 

Be kind to yourself.

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Why are some of us so good at giving advice, but terrible when it comes to taking our own advice? It’s probably because we’re simply too close to your own problems, and your emotions are more likely to cloud your judgement. It’s much easier to identify the most rational option. What you need is a way to DISTANCE yourself from your own problems. A way to analyze them as an outsider. When something is personal to us, we tend to look at factors that are irreverent to the actual situation.

Let’s say you’re facing a tough decision, whatever it is. Trying to introduce a new toy to a partner; opening up your relationship; branching out; etc. Whatever the case may be. Instead of asking yourself “What should I do?” Pretend you’re giving advice to your best friend!

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Next time you’re giving someone advice, pay close attention to your own words. There’s a pretty good chance you’re saying something you need to hear as well.

Then comes the hardest step. Actually follow through with the advice, and do the thing! Trust me, I know it’s hard and depending on what it is, can be terrifying or awkward. Examine what you have to gain or lose from a situation or decision and then make your move!

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Give The Gift Of Nudes

Give The Gift Of Nudes

Who doesn’t love a good dirty picture? I know I love (consentually) getting a good dirty pic from some cutie I’m dating or even getting to know. First thing to ask yourself is, does the person I’m sending this feel comfortable, better yet, elated to get this sexy picture? I know my inbox get stuffed with unwanted dick pictures. The most annoying part to me is not just the unwanted dick pics, but the fact that most of the pictures are just bad and not sexy! So here are some tips to perfect your nude game.

Should you put your face in the picture?

Ask yourself, am I alright with the possibility of someone stumbling on this picture. With the internet and revenge porn it is an unfortunate but realistic reality. Your picture might get seen by more than just your intended audience. If you aren’t alright with that, then don’t put your face in the picture. If you’re like me, and have a lot of really distinguishing tattoos find a place on your body you feel sexy about and doesn’t give away your identity and focus on that.

Think outside of the box! Maybe take a picture of sexy new lingerie, sex toy, or whatnot without you in it and send it with a suggestive message like “I can’t wait to wear this for you later” or “I’m going to cum so hard with that later”. Thinking outside of the “obvious” sexy body parts, show off the curve of your hips, your new pedicure, or your collar bones. There’s so much sexiness about bodies outside of tits and ass! 

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Legs in stockings, feet in heels, blowing a kiss. All things that can very sexy! Instead of showing all the goods, try picking a more g-rated part of your body and presenting it in a sexy way, like your legs. Sit on the bed with your bare legs crossed at the ankle. Or sit on the edge of the bed with your legs crossed to the side. Add some sexy heels to really drive your partner crazy. You can also take clothed shots of the goods. 
have a great ass? Then why not send a suggestive shot of your backside in a some leggings? The more you leave to the imagination, the more you will drive them wild. 
Or just take a picture of your bed, with or without you in it, and tell them that you wish they were there with you. Or play dirty and take a picture of a pitch black room and caption it, “You can’t tell, but I’m completely naked right now.” 

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Yes, I want my face in it!

Look up at the camera. While you’re doing that you want to also slightly raise your eyebrows to make your eyes appear larger. Don’t angle the phone if you can help it. Tilt your head instead of the phone. Also make sure the phone isn’t too far away. 

Think happy thoughts! Don’t fake it, the captured picture will show it. Think of something that truly makes you smile, which will create the look of a genuine happiness that you’ll be able to see in your photo.

 Relax your mouth, and exhale, blowing air through your lips. If you choose to keep your mouth loosely open or fully closed in your selfie, blowing air through your lips before you snap a pic keeps your mouth from looking tense in your pic. It also makes your pout look more plump. While your at it, push your shoulders down. We all tend to hold tension that we don’t even realize. This will help you look and be more relaxed. 

Find the best lighting. This is the most important thing! Natural light is the best. You want natural light to be in front of you not behind you! 
The easiest way to achieve soft, even lighting is to capture your selfie by a window during the day. 

Take a ton of pictures! play with angles. Try tilting your head in different directions and changing the angles up slightly between each shot so there’s a wide variety to choose from. Try taking pictures from above, below and from both sides of your body. And don’t forget to make sure the camera’s focused before snapping away.

Want to show off/create some curves? Try a hand high on your hip, a popped knee, or crossed legs. All these poses will either accentuate or create more curves. Play around with what works for you. 

Find inspiration. Browse twitter and Instagram to get ideas for your sexy pics. Getting ideas before posing and snapping a photo allows you more room for preparation and inspires your creativity in defining how your own body translates into something sexy. It’s also helpful to find folks with a similar body to get inspiration for what to try. Media is more than what you see on TV and film you just have to look for it. 

Be aware of your background. No one wants to see a mess behind you when you’re sending sexy pictures. I know I’m a virgo, but it must bother other people too! Make sure only the things you want in the picture are the things in the picture you’re taking.

Selfies can be a fun, quick way to boost your self-esteem and show yourself some appreciation. Don’t let people make you feel bad for taking them, especially if they make YOU feel good! Selfies can be self care. You tend to do things that make you feel good when you’re taking sexy pic, like focusing on the parts of your body that you feel good about.

Massage Touch Tips (AKA What the hell do I do with my hands?!)

Massage Touch Tips (AKA What the hell do I do with my hands?!)

Giving a quality massage is one of those things that sounds easy to do: Oil ‘em up, rub their body in a way that feels good, bing bang boom. But when you’re actually going to actually give someone a massage, your thought process is probably more along the lines of, “does this even feel good?” Just so you know, even with this great advice, you’re going to have to rely on trial and error and actually communicating with your partner to figure out exactly what they like.

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Massage can have many benefits. Such as relieving tension and improving blood circulation. But more importantly it can be a mutually satisfying way for couples exhibit as well as build intimacy.

An important area of experimentation is pressure. In general you want to give firm enough pressure that you can feel the muscle move underneath the skin without making your partner grimace or squirm. It’s one of those things that are completely a personal preference; that can be influenced by your health, diet, mood, environment, and chemistry with your partner. For your first few times giving your partner a massage, switch things up a bit to get a feel for what they like. Unless you’re hurting them, you’re doing a good job!

Avoid Bones and Joints Never push directly on the spine and be careful not to put too much pressure on muscles that run over the ribs and shoulder blades. If someone has thin muscle tissue, you can bruise bones by going too hard

Hands get Tired? An even easier way to work tight shoulders? Grab a tennis ball. Simply roll the ball all over with the palm of your hand. They also sell really great massage rollers or stones!

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The Hand Slide Begin with your hands parallel to each other and slide them down each side of the spine, massaging all the way down to the lower back and over the booty. Then slide your hands up all the way to the neck, over the shoulders, and down the arms to the fingertips.

Kneading If you have ever kneaded pizza or bread dough, then this technique will be a breeze, but if you haven’t, try squeezing your partner’s back and buttocks between your thumb and fingers in a flowing motion with one hand and then with the other hand. Now slide your hands to another area on the back and repeat until your partner has been well kneaded from neck to booty.

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Moving Down to the Feet Do the hand slide technique on the legs in slow motion. Follow this with the kneading stroke and do one leg at a time. Then take one foot at a time and cover it in oil, spreading it around the ankle, the heel, and in between the toes. Now use the palm of your hand to slide over the bottom of your partner’s foot back and forth about four times. Then gently rotate every toe clockwise and counter-clockwise and finally slip your forefinger between each toe.

Do the Butterfly Use the palms of your hands and move them in the shape of a butterfly in circular movements across the back, and up towards the shoulder blades, you can use both hands or just one hand at a time. Shoulders are where people carry most of their tension!

Travel South to North Starting at the bottom of the back and use your thumbs either side of the spine and move up slowly pressing, release the pressure as you move towards the neck.

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The bottom line is that massage is supposed to be fun and feel good, no super-fancy tricks necessary. “The most important goal of massage is the desire to please your partner, whether it’s with a healing scalp massage, relaxing shoulder massage, friendly foot massage, or sensual full body massage.

Femme Daddies?

Femme Daddies?

The first time I called myself daddy, it was more of a joke. The more I let the thought dance around my head the more I liked it. I had identified as a Mommy Domme for a while when I jokingly called myself Daddy. What was it doing to me? Just that one, simple little word. a word I hadn’t even been sure that I liked, and certainly wasn’t sure applied to me.

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Photo from TeePublic

I enjoyed being a hard femme. I love aspects of femininity, I love being femme and fully embrace my identity as a woman and an unashamed feminist. Dressing in tight curve hugging dresses makes me feel powerful and sexy in my fat body. Makeup makes me feel unstoppable with sharp dark eyebrows, and either blood red lips, or some other dark vampy variation. My feminine tattoos make me feel like a complete version of myself. The version of myself I would fantasize about becoming when I was younger and not comfortable in my body or sexuality.

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Photo of myself for PlusBkLYN

My femme identity is something I’m still perfecting; a conscious, daily choice; an intentional expression of part of me. There are times, especially as a fat person that I feel guilty not dressing up, or putting on makeup. But I also know that it is my choice and not wearing makeup for one day, or a whole week does not make me any less femme.

As much as I love being a femme, I can equally love wearing my cock, being the Daddy I always wanted to be. With all the enjoyment I get from strapping on, never once did I wish for a factory installed one. In fact, I always loved the availability of options to strap on any shape and size and remove it whenever I pleased.

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Photo Of Chloe Venom by Robin Ardeur

Identities exist on a spectrum. I don’t always feel like being femme, or being daddy. But the days that I do, I want to be acknowledged and appreciated in them by my partner(s). It is about reclaiming words intended to hurt and demean. If someone, not in my community were to call me queer, or dyke, or any number of terms, I would not be pleased. But to self identify is to reclaim my identity and to feel the power in those words positively.

I enjoy teaching, so feeling like I’m in control of a submissive or little can be the most rewarding feeling. I want to cook you new foods, take you to new places and of course try new things. I feel like my Virgo stubbornness makes me the perfect daddy; slightly demanding but my little ones can always meet the challenge. My biggest fantasy is of spoiling a sugar baby with everything they desire. But money prevents that from being a reality.

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How not to be an asshole to your insecure lover

How not to be an asshole to your insecure lover

Like I wrote about in previous posts, there are lots of people in the world who don’t fit neatly into societies view of beauty. If you’re not thin, white, straight, and very presenting in your gender, then you might not see yourself represented in beauty magazines, tv, movies, or even social media feeds. 

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Dating can add all kind of issues when you’re already insecure. So dating someone who is insecure about any number of things can be like navigating a minefield that you didn’t create. So below are some tips for helping you date an insecure person. Read this first hand account from a fellow far person here. 

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  1. Don’t make it seem like you’re the only one that will ever be attracted to them. This is a tactic that people use especially with fat people, so don’t be that person. There’s a lid for every pot and just because this one coupling didn’t work, doesn’t mean there won’t be other options down the road. 
  2. Don’t say you want a relationship if you really only want a hookup. Be realistic about your current wants and needs. You’ll find that people will not only respect that honesty but will usually either met you or compromise. Or you’ll cut your losses and meet someone who can meet your needs completely. 
  3. People are vulnerable, be kind, gentle and compassionate. It’s that simple. 
  4. Don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back for being kind. Yes, we are all grateful when we meet people who are kind to us. But it should be a standard, and because it isn’t don’t ruin it for yourself by wanting to be thanked profusely for being kind. 
  5. Treat people how you’d want to be treated. I know this seems obvious, but it’s not always. Think of how your speaking to the person you’re sleeping with. Is this something I would say to my best friend? If it’s not then maybe examine why you’re saying it to this person

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Be an Ally

  • Don’t be ashamed of your lover’s body. If you’re not into sleeping with them, just don’t. There are millions of people in the world!
  • Be my backup if someone is disrespectful. Sometimes that will mean standing up in public if someone is saying something fucked up, or that can mean supporting me in private later when I need to talk.
  • Make sure I’m physically comfortable. Sometimes spaces can be physically uncomfortable for size reasons, or maybe I’m the only POC in a room full of white people. Ask me how you can help me feel comfortable. 
  • if I’m not comfortable don’t make me feel bad for wanting to change plans.
  • Tell me you take pleasure in me
  • Take my needs seriously
  • Don’t pester me about food or weight issues (or any issues that cause insecurity)
  • Discourage body shaming jokes

Read this post about loving your partners body here!

Tell me more of your tips in the comments, or tweet me!

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Having a love affair with yourself

Having a love affair with yourself

I write a lot about body confidence, but how can you really take care of yourself the way you need? Here are some tips to deal with any insecurities head on and become the most confident pleasured person you can be.

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Tips to protecting yourself

– Not being bothered by harassment will frustrate bullies the most.

– Sometimes confronting it head on is really satisfying

-Remember this: “The person there with you in the room – they want to be there.” Don’t question someone’s intentions if they’re sharing pleasure with you. Unless you think they’re using you, just focus on shared pleasure. 

“To feel better about having sex, you have to have sex.” Notice how confident you are while you’re afterglowing, and bask in that confidence.

-Take time to touch the parts of your body that you normally want to hide in ways that feel pleasurable. Rub your belly with luxurious oils, rub your thighs with soft feathers, etc etc!

Think of a sexy new name, and use it as an alter ego. you don’t have to tell anyone about it, just use it to get yourself into the right state of mind to be sexy and to leave your worries behind and feel like your own Sasha Fierce (Beyonce’s alter ego. Even Beyonce needs one!)

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– Focus on things you like about your appearance, everyday say one thing you like about yourself. But also acknowledge that you are more than your appearance.

-Start a BOPO (Body Positive) bubble- Make a pinterest board, unfollow negative people/thinspo

-Buy clothes that fit- don’t wait for “ideal” weight

-Don’t put your life on hold for weight loss

-Stop Diet talk- politely tell others you would rather talk about other things (including body shaming)

-Find lingerie that you like, and makes you feel sexy.

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-Flattering lighting for sexy time.

-You don’t have to get completely naked for sex. Ultimately do whatever makes you feel comfortable and sexy!

Finding things that make you feel sexy

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Things to Do when you’re just feeling Down

  • Nurture yourself- drink tea, take a bath, play with a pet
  • Move– Take a walk, do the dishes, dance, go to a park, reorganize something
  • Get Creative– Doodle, color, start a new project, go to a museum
  • Be spiritual- worship, meditate, etc
  • Engage your brain- Do a crossword, read a book, research something, listen to a podcast!
  • Be social- Call a friend, write a letter, visit a nursing home

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What are some of your tips! It’s a journey for all of us and we’re all allowed to have bad days!

Why is Body Confidence Important?

Why is Body Confidence Important?

Why Do We Need Body Confidence?

  • Technically speaking a third of the population is overweight (That’s over a hundred million people)
  • The media loves to make fat people the funny friend, not the sexy friend. Media will also make us seem gross and unlovable
  • Supermarkets try to sell us gross “diet food” full of chemicals
  • Doctors will lecture us about “the fat”
  • When you google “how to feel good naked” all you get is diet tips

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Internalized Fat Phobia makes you miserable

When you internalize these messages, it makes it easy for us to assume we deserve to be treated poorly or worse yet, that you deserve an unsatisfying sex life because you’re fat. You are here. You are Human. You deserve respect and dignity, regardless of how “sexy” you are. Mainstream good looks are not the tax you pay for existing in the world. Unfortunately not everyone agrees and protecting yourself is your job.

Interestingly enough, research also suggests that one of the most potent cures for negative body image is sex itself. People who feel erotically fulfilled rate themselves as physically beautiful whether or not they measure up to the ‘ideal’. Passion, positively experienced, turns body hate to body love.

You’re denying yourself pleasure by holding back

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As hard as it can be to open up to someone, it’s even harder when you feel desperate to hide part of yourself, particularly in the bedroom. Studies show that shame and anxiety about one’s body lead to the avoidance of physical closeness and reduced sexual satisfaction.

If you’re preoccupied with your body you’re not focusing on pleasure. if you’re thinking, Is my stomach sticking out? Has he noticed the cellulite on my butt? You obviously won’t be focusing on his desires or yours, or be present in the moment. It’s like having a third, unwelcome person in the room: you, your lover, and your insecurity. How fun can that be? Unless you’re into humiliation!

Some Mantras

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  • You do not have to accept bad treatment in order to get love, attention, or sex
  • You do not have to put yourself  at physical risk for love, attention, or sex
  • You do not have to agree to anything that hurts you emotionally
  • anyone who uses love to manipulate you into doing something that hurts you is abusing you and violating your trust.
  • Listen to your gut
  • You are allowed to have standards
  • You are allowed to want what you want

White Tank Top Exercise

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  • Wear a white tank for ten minutes a day and just look at your body
  • Our “imperfections” are what make us unique, interesting, and beautiful
  • If you can feel sexy in a tank top you can feel sexy in anything
  • If you look in the mirror and think that you look ugly, replace that with a neutral observation: “I have red hair.” Hopefully a positive will come eventually, but if a neutral place is all you can reach that’s good too!

No Quick Fix

  • You didn’t learn to hate yourself in a single day or year and you won’t learn to love yourself in a day either. Don’t put time restraints on yourself.
  • You could have a thousand people clamoring for your attention and if you don’t feel sexy you won’t buy it.
  • Notice how you judge other people’s looks. Try to be more compassionate in your thoughts. You’ll train yourself to be nicer to yourself.Try finding something to compliment in every single person you see. You don’t actually have to compliment them (but you never know who really needs to hear it)
  • Fake it until you make it.
  • Don’t be afraid to say what you want
  • Never apologize for your body. Here’s are two great posts about accepting yourself. 
  • Accept compliments (Learn to just say thanks)
  • Ask yourself “if”- If someone else were in my position would I make them feel negatively?