Breaking up sucks. Period. Bottom Line. Now what?
Time does indeed heal all wounds. But there are some deeper ways to look at this heavily recited mantra.
- Don’t give yourself a set amount of time to heal.
Is healing time two months, one year, two years, five years? Is there a particular shame in hurting? In feeling pain? Do we want to somehow magically erase those scars? Possibly. It might just come down to simplicity. It’s easier to avoid conflict and turn the other way. It’s also probably more comforting to visualize the finality of a grieving period on a timeline. “A year has gone by,” you might say to yourself. “I should be better by now, why aren’t I?” I’ve had the same thought regarding a broken relationship, and someone compassionately conveyed that there is no actual timetable for sifting through loss (of any kind, really).
- Be kind to yourself.
Listen to the things your saying to yourself. Would you say those things to a friend? I would constantly tell myself “just get over it” or “what’s wrong with you”. I would never say either of those things to a friend. So why do I deserve that treatment. You are allowed to feel your feelings. Each and every one is valid.
- Learn to ask for what you want/need
Communicating to yourself and others is super important. Some tips to learn how to ask for what you need/want is here.
- Time alone doesn’t heal everything, it’s what you do with that time.
What have I learned from this experience? What meaning can I draw from this loss? The amount of work you put into your current relationship will set up the dynamic for your next. One of the most powerful things you can do for yourself and your partner is to stop blaming someone else for the issues at hand and own those “stuck” areas within yourself that need attention. Even if the relationship ends, it’s worth the effort to work on it to ensure the next one has a better chance for success.
- Real love allows you to be yourself. Your real authentic self.
Love will require you to change. Relationships are a compromise between two people. It’s completely normal to work on some of the idiosyncrasies that annoy your true love; real love allows you to be authentically yourself. This means who you are at your core, not the persona you might be inclined to wear. Real love allows you the freedom to express yourself and your partner will help nurture your growth as a human being. If you feel as if you can’t be authentic around them, they might not be “the one”
- You can only love others as much as you love yourself.
Unconditional self-love is something that every single human being deserves. It is not usually an easy journey, but you attempt to undo all the conditioning and negative thoughts that began the very first time we heard someone we love say anything negative. It’s during uncomfortable moments with others we are able to bring forward aspects of ourselves that have remained hidden or avoided. If you feel love for others, trust me, you will find things within yourself that need work.
Bottom line, allow yourself to feel the pain and, at the same time, trust that someday an attractive someone will pull up a chair next to you and say, “Hi” and your heart will flutter in response.